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Episode 47/Transcript
(in the cafeteria) Mackenzie: I mean, it's not like she looked good as a redhead, it's just that her as a blonde is a fucking trainwreck. Brittnay: I know, it's like why don't you just go throw yourself down a well and break every bone in your body, am I right? Mackenzie: Hey, let me ask you something. Do you have any other clothes, because I've never actually— Brittnay: What the fuck? Mackenzie: Hey, sorry, I know, I didn't mean— Brittnay: No, look! Mackenzie: What the fuck! Jenna Darabond: Oh, hey girls! Mackenzie: What the fuck are you wearing? Jenna Darabond: Oh, new outfits, you like? Brittnay: Hey, cunts. Newsflash. You're not on the fucking cheer squad. Jenna Darabond: Oh Brittnay, we're not wearing these because we're on the cheer squad— Jenna Dapananian: We're wearing them because they're vintage. Mackenzie: Vintage? Jenna Darabond: Yeah, we were hanging out at the thrift store on Tuesday, you know— Jenna Dapananian: New shipment day. Jenna Darabond: And what would come in, but these adorable vintage uniforms! Jenna Dapananian: Don't you love 'em, they're so retro! Mackenzie: Uh they're not retro, we were wearing them last week. Brittnay: Yeah, and you two were on the cheer squad so good job buying back the uniforms you already owned! Jenna Dapananian: Uh no Brittnay, we sent our old uniforms to the Salvation Army! These outfits come from TurnStyles Thrift Store, so it's like, totally different. Jenna Darabond: Yeah, but from what I heard, this is a pretty hot item, so I wouldn't be surprised if somebody already— Judith: Hey! Rachel: What's up Jennas? Judith: Cool threads. What the fuck do these dildos want? Brittnay: Don't you even— Mackenzie: Alright! First of all, if you ever call me a dildo again, I will give Brittnay free reign to do whatever she wants with you. Brittnay: Just know that that involves a baseball bat, and the loss of one or both of your kidneys. Mackenzie: Secondly, you two should know that you look like Make-a-Wish kids at the halftime of a Super Bowl. Jenna Darabond: Yeah, Rachel, you know, you really should wear only one layer of irony at a time. Rachel: No, no, no, I know, I just, I didn't want show too much skin, you know. I'm a very modest girl. Brittnay: Really? You literally gave a blow job to every boy in school. Rachel: Yeah, but I was fully clothed! So who's laughing now, Matthews? Judith: C'mon Rach, this scene's dead. Let's go see if there's any cool stairs we can go sit on. Rachel: Out. Mackenzie: Okay Jenna, you've had your fun, but why don't you follow your nerd squad out of here. The center lunch table is cheer squad territory. Thank you! Brittnay: Yeah, not territory for dumb fucking beanie wearing, glasses-having, eight-dollar-juice-swigging, coffee-shop-loitering motherfucking garbage trash people who have no—Get the fuck out of here! Jenna Darabond: Oh girls, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but not everybody subscribes to your antiquated ideas of this group owns that table and that group owns this bathroom. I mean, where does it end? Somebody claiming ownership of the staircase next to the science lab? Mackenzie: That staircase is controlled by the teachers' aides. You want to piss them off, good luck trying to pass a chemistry test. Jenna Darabond: Whatever, we were here first, so if you'd like us to move, you can— Blaine: Hey you guys I was thinking, for our next game, I think it'd be really cool if you—wait a minute! But I thought that you were— Brittnay: Blaine! Blaine: And you guys were— Brittnay: Blaine! Blaine: And those guys were— Brittnay: Blaine! Blaine: I'm confused. Why do you guys have two different uniforms. Jenna Darabond: Oh we're not wearing uniforms Blaine, this is vintage clothing. Blaine: Oh! Sure looks like cheer uniforms. Mackenzie: Yes, Blaine those are the old cheer uniforms. Blaine: Oh! So why is the cheer squad wearing old uniforms. Brittnay: Because they're not on the cheer squad, Blaine. Blaine: Um, I'm pretty sure they're cheerleaders. Mackenzie: No, Blaine, they used to be on the cheer squad. Now they're not anymore. Blaine: Oh! Like their uniforms! Mackenzie: Yes, like their uniforms. You understand now? Blaine: Nope! Brittnay: Here, I think I got this. Blaine, Autobots, Decepticons. Blaine: Oooohhhhh! Why didn't you say so? God, girls are fucking stupid. Jenna Darabond: You see, Mackenzie, nobody else minds that we're sitting here. In fact, most everybody thinks we belong here. Mackenzie: Oh, congratulations, Jenna, you confused an idiot. It's not like anybody else at this school is dumb enough to think that you're actually— Trisha Cappelletti: Hey guys, so I was thinking for the pyramid on Friday, we should—wait a minute! Mackenzie: Goddammit. Trisha: Wait, aren't you guys— Brittnay: Yes, Trisha, we literally just went through all of this. Just come stand next to us. Trisha: Oh okay, yeah. Mackenzie: Alright, Jenna, you have until the count of five to leave this table before we forcibly eject you from it. Got it? Brittnay: One. Mackenzie: Two. Brittnay: Three. Mackenzie: Four. Deandra: Going through the cafeteria, gonna eat some food—Oh my god! Haha! That is hilarious! Well played! Hahahahaha... Brittnay: What the fuck is so funny? Deandra: What? I'm a fan of ironically humorous clothing. You know, a California Raisins T-shirt, Wayne's World 2 hat, a ridiculously outdated cheer uniform. Jenna Darabond: See, she gets it. Mackenzie: Deandra, those aren't outdated, we wore them last week. Deandra: Well just think, if you had terrible taste for another week, you could've been hip! Brittnay: Deandra, you wore this exact outfit at Cheer Nationals. Deandra: Yeah, only because I was forced to! Believe me, I got rid of that thing just as soon as I could! (flashback) (Deandra walks past Saison's burning uniform) Deandra: Oh good, you guys already started burning them? Great. (drops uniform into fire) (present) Deandra: Jeez, if I knew that uniform was gonna end up being worth something, I woulda hung onto it. Coulda made a few shekels. Mackenzie: Deandra, since when did you join the goddamn hipsters? Denadra: Oh no, believe, me Zales, I am not taking sides on this one. You are a super crazy bitch and you, well you and you, you look like you're going on quite the journey there. Good luck finding yourselves, I assume that's what you're doing. Yes? Okay, anyways, back to the lunchtime song that I sing when I'm going through the cafeteria, boodoodoodoodoo... Trisha: Bye Deandra! You know, we never see her enough, you know? Mackenzie: Alright, now where were we? Oh right, 3, 2— Cher Guy: Ah ha ha! Great ironic T-shirt! Well, I mean, not really a T-shirt, I mean the whole outfit! Man, can you believe people used to dress like that?! Brittnay: Okay, that's it! (rushes over and beats up Cher Guy) Mackenzie: I really hope you enjoyed yourself today, Jenna. Jenna Darabond: I did, thanks. Jenna, did you enjoy yourself as well? Jenna Dapananian: Oh, I did. I did. I really had a great time. Jenna Darabond: Okay, great, well, looks like we're all good here! Thanks Mackenzie! Mackenzie: Alright, Jenna, that's it, I'm done. You have crossed my last line. Congratulations! Because from here on out, I will not sleep until your life is completely fucked. I am the queen of revenge, Jenna. I've disbanded cheer squads, ruined people's social lives, and I fucking ripped a girl's arms off! But all of that is going to pale in comparison to what I am going to do to you. Mark my words: I will destroy every part of your life. I will not stop until you are sitting alone in a dark hole thinking over and over again, "Why did I ever fuck with Mackenzie Zales?" Trisha: Yeah! I, uh, I forgot my nuggets. Oh, also the dipping sauces. Belinda: Hey girls, you know I knew that if I kept this hanging in my closet long enough it would come back in style! Do you like it? Jenna Darabond: Alright, Jenna, let's go. This joke has clearly run its course. Jenna Dapananian: Ugh. I think I'm gonna be sick. Ugh, yeah, mmhmm, that's vomit in my mouth. Belinda: Oh, listen bitches, don't get angry because it looks better on me, okay? (has a coughing fit) Oh fuck it, you get it.